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Differences Between Men & Women, Part 2: Talk


Men and women also talk differently. We are enough alike that we can communicate with each other—sometimes. After being married to my wife Bessie for more than fifty years, I still have difficulty understanding her. When Bessie uses a pronoun, the antecedent might have been given two weeks ago. And I sit there trying to figure out what this pronoun is referring to. Bessie uses lot of pronouns, but only one verb. It’s the word do in different forms. “Will you do the baby?” I have to figure out whether this means feed the baby, change the baby’s diaper, put the baby down for a nap, or give the baby a bath—all of these are communicated by do the baby. It helps if you have extrasensory perception! Occasionally, I’ll figure and figure and figure, and then I’ll guess wrong. This is not a fault in Bessie; it is just a difference in how we communicate.

Men, have you ever asked your wife, “Is anything wrong?” and she says no, so you go merrily on your way…only to find yourself living in a cold house? Because men think linearly, a husband can hear this answer from his wife and think that everything is fine, because she said it was. If you knew enough to ask the question, you know that something is wrong. Get close to your wife and find out what it is.  

Another mistake a man can tend to make in this situation is to analyze the problem and tell her what she should do or where she went wrong. This happens because, again, he is thinking analytically. But what she wants is a hug. Hugs don’t make sense analytically. What she needs is reassurance and comfort, not information. If he really has an analytical insight on what went wrong, she might need it also, but not now. Her primary need is comfort. Hug her now, and give her your solution tomorrow, when everything is back in equilibrium. Then she can appreciate the information. If you give her what you would like to have if you were in that situation (i.e., advice), you are giving her what she does not need.     

Likewise, a man who comes home after a day full of problems at work does not need a hug. He needs to know what to do about the problems. When a man comes home with troubles, one of the best things a wife can do is listen to his statement of the facts. Be a sounding board and just ask questions. Allow him to talk it out and analyze it out loud with you. If you have something to add after hearing him out, do so in a non-threatening way.       

Women, don’t say “nothing” when your husband asks you what’s wrong. You want him to drag it out of you, but that is unkind to him. If he asks, be straightforward with what is the matter. Don’t play a hard-to-get game. If you do, you will wind up judging him for how hard he is willing to pursue the matter. Be kind to your husband. If there is too much to put into words coherently, simply tell him that. If so much is wrong that you don’t know where to start, tell him that. If you say “nothing” is wrong when the answer is that “everything” is wrong, that is a lie. Be truthful.

Telling the truth is not the same as telling everything. If you feel the need to make sure your husband really wants to know what’s going on with you, don’t say you’re fine—tell him that you had a bad day. That leaves it open for him to pursue the matter, and you are not being dishonest. That will help him begin to learn how to pursue it if he needs to learn that.

It is an axiom of marriage that any question a woman asks a man that can be answered in one word will be. “How was your day?” “Fine.” Husbands should not give one-word answers to questions like that, and wives should not ask questions like that if they are wanting more than one word in reply. Also, when a man comes in the door, he’ll be there mentally ten minutes later. He may not be ready to talk about anything before that. Wives, give him time to get his head in the game. Men, prepare yourself mentally on the way home so that it doesn’t take you ten minutes.

When you are not speaking the other person’s language, you don’t know if they are reacting in a godly or ungodly way. If I don’t offer my wife some chicken soup when she’s sick, it may be because I just didn’t think of it or because I don’t care. But if she asks me to fix her some soup, then she will know from my response whether I care. Then we are speaking each other’s language. Then the selfishness or the selflessness becomes apparent. Before that, you don’t know if your spouse is being selfish or just being dense.

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