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Marriage Counseling: A Letter


Dear Friend,

Thank you for listening to us. We both love you, and as I said we’ve been friends for a long time and have agreed with each other about many things. I am grateful for the friendship.

You are right when you say I do not understand the hurt you have gone through for the last twenty years. I understand it in words, but not in experience. I have listened to you of your desires in marriage and of all the effort you put into the marriage.

When I have talked to your wife, I have talked to her about her.

It has been difficult to talk to you about you, at least on the subject of marriage. You have insisted on talking to me about her.

1. The last few years, you have been very angry and accusative toward your wife. Even if all of your accusations are true, your continued anger is unrepentant, unforgiven sin. You need to repent.

2. This anger has been building up for years, even though you were doing things a Christian husband should do.

3. In Luke 17:3, we have Jesus’ teaching on forgiveness. We have it in Matthew 18:35 also.

“So watch yourselves. If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him. If he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times comes back to you and says, ‘I repent,’ forgive him.”

“This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your bother from your heart.”

You have not forgiven your wife. It may be that you do not want to; it may be that you think you cannot. In any case, you have not. “Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.” Forgiveness is not coming out of your mouth. I assume it is not the abundance in your heart. You need to repent of your unforgiveness.

4. You have left your children. The little that you see them does not make up for not being a father every day. They are hurting. They need you. You cannot hold your wife responsible for not being a good father and mother. You need to repent for leaving your children.

5. You are very conscious of not having your needs met. Are you as conscious of not having met her needs? Do you realize that you also hurt her? Do you know where? How? Why don’t you know? You need to repent towards God for not loving your wife as Christ loved the church.

6. You have told me several times that you are interested in another Christian woman. Do you realize that this is sin? Does she realize that this is sin? You need to repent.

7. You have held many Christians responsible for judging you with malicious attitudes. I have been included in your list. You are guilty of doing what you think others are doing. You need to repent.

8. You left your wife for reasons that are not biblical. You need to repent. Unless you repent of all of the above, you will continue in a life of no joy.

9. You may get angry with me. That will be another thing you will need to repent of.

You may think I am coming on heavy now. This is true. I am sorry that I did not press you on your sins earlier.

If you reject the things I am saying, there is another way. Come into God’s presence as Isaiah did in Isaiah 6. Forget me and come to God. You will find

·       God’s presence

·       Conviction

·       Confession

·       Forgiveness

·       Ready to go

“In the year that King Uzziah died, I saw the Lord, high and exalted, seated on a throne; and the train of his robe filled the temple. Above him were seraphim, each with six wings: With two wings they covered their faces, with two they covered their feet, and with two they were flying. And they were calling to one another: ‘Holy, holy, holy is the Lord Almighty; the whole earth is full of his glory.’ At the sound of their voices the doorposts and thresholds shook and the temple was filled with smoke. ‘Woe to me!’ I cried. ‘I am ruined! For I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the Lord Almighty.’ Then one of the seraphim flew to me with a live coal in his hand, which he had taken with tongs from the altar. With it he touched my mouth and said, ‘See, this has touched your lips; your guilt is taken away and your sin atoned for’” (Isaiah 6:1-7).

A very real friend,

Jim Wilson

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