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Fulfilling Your Wife’s Needs When You Don’t Want To


Dear John,

I have thought of you fairly frequently in the last few months. I have thought mostly of our telephone conversation. The conversation bothered me, and I have wanted to write to you for some time, but I also wanted my letter to be received by you—so I probably put it off for that reason—afraid that it wouldn’t be received.

I am thinking of the second letter of Peter where he writes, “Therefore I intend always to remind you of these things, even though you know them and are firmly established in the truth you now have” (2 Pet. 1:12). Certainly I believe that you have since long ago been established in the truth, and the things I share will be a reminder, not new thinking.

What concerned me in the telephone conversation was that you said that you had never needed anybody, and your wife needed to be needed. That’s probably pretty close to true. What isn’t true is that you don't need anybody. We all need each other. We are part of the Body of Christ, and the family is a very close part of the Body. And because of your upbringing, you became strong and independent—but that didn’t mean that you didn’t need someone. It just meant that you thought you didn’t need anyone. We need each other very much. Although you and I never see each other, I need you and you need me. And when you hurt, I hurt. We are part of the Body.

The second thing that concerned me was that you are very content to be there alone with your dog. One of the things that is true about dogs is that they are loyal regardless; they are faithful regardless how we treat them. They don’t talk back, they don’t complain; they are always loyal. People are not like that. Wives are not like that. Children are not like that. You know from your time in the military that people in the army aren’t like that. They have been taught in boot camp to say, “Yes, Sir.” My own children didn’t go through boot camp. My wife didn’t go through boot camp. No, there is something different about children and a wife. It is just not true with dogs or people in the Army. The relationship in the family is much more intimate. It needs a special other kind of treatment.

The next thing that bothered me was my very real knowledge of the Enemy. It will be very unusual if he doesn’t have a woman waiting in the wings for you since you have separated from your wife. Either you are so super unusual or the Enemy has lost his wisdom. She may already be there.

Back to the teaching that your wife needed to be needed. If that is a given, then you, as a loving husband, should have met her need. And you still can, and you still should. It may be contrary to what is normal to you, but it is your responsibility.

You thanked me for the talk on bitterness and said that you had listened to it and appreciated the thoughts but they just weren’t applicable. Maybe not. But when we were talking on the telephone, you weren’t rejoicing in the Lord, so something is wrong in your life, independent of what is going on in other people’s lives. There is no reason to let your joy be affected by other people’s sins. Nor should you count on your joy being fulfilled by your environment—quietness in the home and a dog. The Scripture tells us in Habakkuk 3:17-18 not to lose our joy when there is a bad year, and it tells us not to rejoice when good things are happening, as in Luke 10:17. Our joy is in our salvation. Our joy is in the Lord.

In much love,

Jim Wilson

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