Dear A & V,
You both had a question about a conversation we had several years ago about a wife submitting to her husband. I do not remember the exact words, although I would have said something from Ephesians 5:22-25. What surprises me is, “Who should care what I think or said?”
Please meditate on Colossians 3:12-17. "Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts. And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him."
Verse 13 is key. However, it is based on verses 12 and 14. Verses 15 and 16 begin with the word “Let.” Verse 17 begins with “Whatever you do . . . " These are commands. This teaching immediately precedes the teaching on husbands and wives.
A, you have been concerned that V wanted to bring up the past for discernment or discussion or reconciliation. You have stated that once bitterness is gone and being forgiven and forgiving is all finished business, it is not necessary or wise to bring up the past. I have no problem agreeing with that; however, it looks as if bitterness and not forgiving are still around.
If that is the case, Matthew 18 applies. "Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’ In anger his master handed him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed. This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart" (Matt. 18:32-35). The key verse is verse 35. All action is in the light of forgiveness in your heart. If an accusation is made without forgiveness in your heart, reconciliation will not happen. The object is to win your brother. If it is necessary to get a brother to go along, he must be a brother with forgiveness in his heart. If it is necessary to take it to the church, it must be a church with forgiveness in its heart.
In bringing up the past, it would be better if each of you brought up your own sins rather than bring up the other person’s. Then say whether or not these sins of yours have been confessed to God and forgiven by God.
In these years of strong differences between the two of you, there is something I have noticed. That is that A is more interested in V’s responsibility, and V is more interested in A’s responsibility. The commands in Ephesians 5:22-33 are not conditional commands. They are not dependent on the other person doing his or her part. A, you are to love V as Christ loves the church, unrelated to her ever submitting to you. V, you are to submit to A unrelated to whether he loves you as Christ loves the church.
The conditional way is made up of two “getters.” The unconditional way is made up of two givers. The husband gives sacrificially. The wife gives in submission. Those are two different ways of loving.
God made man to need respect and love. God made woman to need love and respect. As children, both sexes need both respect and love from both sexes of parents. Many children are short-changed, but they still need love and respect. As children approach adolescence, the girl needs love more than respect, and the boy needs respect more than love. How can we tell? The boy begins to brag, and the girl begins to flirt. The boy is asking for respect. The girl is asking for love. It is a poor way to get either, but the bragging and flirting show the needs that they have.
God loves the church sacrificially. The church loves God obediently. Parents love children sacrificially. Children love parents obediently. Husbands love wives sacrificially. Wives love husbands obediently.
The church, children, and wives all respond to sacrificial love. “We love Him because He first loved us” (1 John 4:19).
It seems that you have both been more concerned with the other person’s lack of obedience to the text than you have been with your own obedience to it.
As a husband, you are not to require submission. You are not to coerce it. Your job is to love your wife so much that she gives back in submission. I do remember that you both think that you, alone, have been the primary giver. If it were really so, the other person would have noticed it some time in the last twenty years.
A loving couple should be able to communicate, in love, differences of opinion on every subject, including the Word of God. If the differences remain, that is not reason not to live together. Since we are required to rejoice in the Lord always, then we live together in joy.
If a decision has to be made with the differences still there, it is the husband’s decision, and the wife rejoices, even if, from God’s perspective, the decision is a wrong one. The only exception would be if the husband requires immorality or apostasy of the wife. She could then say, "I must obey God rather than men." If the decision is not either of those cases, but just a wrong decision, then the husband is held accountable, not the wife. In other words, if the wife is submissive, she is never wrong. The husband is responsible. If the husband gives in to the wife, and the decision is wrong, he is still responsible, not the wife.
With love for you both,
Jim Wilson
You both had a question about a conversation we had several years ago about a wife submitting to her husband. I do not remember the exact words, although I would have said something from Ephesians 5:22-25. What surprises me is, “Who should care what I think or said?”
Please meditate on Colossians 3:12-17. "Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts. And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him."
Verse 13 is key. However, it is based on verses 12 and 14. Verses 15 and 16 begin with the word “Let.” Verse 17 begins with “Whatever you do . . . " These are commands. This teaching immediately precedes the teaching on husbands and wives.
A, you have been concerned that V wanted to bring up the past for discernment or discussion or reconciliation. You have stated that once bitterness is gone and being forgiven and forgiving is all finished business, it is not necessary or wise to bring up the past. I have no problem agreeing with that; however, it looks as if bitterness and not forgiving are still around.
If that is the case, Matthew 18 applies. "Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’ In anger his master handed him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed. This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart" (Matt. 18:32-35). The key verse is verse 35. All action is in the light of forgiveness in your heart. If an accusation is made without forgiveness in your heart, reconciliation will not happen. The object is to win your brother. If it is necessary to get a brother to go along, he must be a brother with forgiveness in his heart. If it is necessary to take it to the church, it must be a church with forgiveness in its heart.
In bringing up the past, it would be better if each of you brought up your own sins rather than bring up the other person’s. Then say whether or not these sins of yours have been confessed to God and forgiven by God.
In these years of strong differences between the two of you, there is something I have noticed. That is that A is more interested in V’s responsibility, and V is more interested in A’s responsibility. The commands in Ephesians 5:22-33 are not conditional commands. They are not dependent on the other person doing his or her part. A, you are to love V as Christ loves the church, unrelated to her ever submitting to you. V, you are to submit to A unrelated to whether he loves you as Christ loves the church.
The conditional way is made up of two “getters.” The unconditional way is made up of two givers. The husband gives sacrificially. The wife gives in submission. Those are two different ways of loving.
God made man to need respect and love. God made woman to need love and respect. As children, both sexes need both respect and love from both sexes of parents. Many children are short-changed, but they still need love and respect. As children approach adolescence, the girl needs love more than respect, and the boy needs respect more than love. How can we tell? The boy begins to brag, and the girl begins to flirt. The boy is asking for respect. The girl is asking for love. It is a poor way to get either, but the bragging and flirting show the needs that they have.
God loves the church sacrificially. The church loves God obediently. Parents love children sacrificially. Children love parents obediently. Husbands love wives sacrificially. Wives love husbands obediently.
The church, children, and wives all respond to sacrificial love. “We love Him because He first loved us” (1 John 4:19).
It seems that you have both been more concerned with the other person’s lack of obedience to the text than you have been with your own obedience to it.
As a husband, you are not to require submission. You are not to coerce it. Your job is to love your wife so much that she gives back in submission. I do remember that you both think that you, alone, have been the primary giver. If it were really so, the other person would have noticed it some time in the last twenty years.
A loving couple should be able to communicate, in love, differences of opinion on every subject, including the Word of God. If the differences remain, that is not reason not to live together. Since we are required to rejoice in the Lord always, then we live together in joy.
If a decision has to be made with the differences still there, it is the husband’s decision, and the wife rejoices, even if, from God’s perspective, the decision is a wrong one. The only exception would be if the husband requires immorality or apostasy of the wife. She could then say, "I must obey God rather than men." If the decision is not either of those cases, but just a wrong decision, then the husband is held accountable, not the wife. In other words, if the wife is submissive, she is never wrong. The husband is responsible. If the husband gives in to the wife, and the decision is wrong, he is still responsible, not the wife.
With love for you both,
Jim Wilson
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