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As much as possible, follow up on the letters by spending time with your parents. Show them with your attention that they are valuable to you. When you go home, express affection to your parents physically. Don’t do the polite hug. Get into it. Really give them a squeeze. Maybe even a kiss! Just rock the old man. Surprise your mom.
You may receive a favorable response to your letters. If you do not receive a response, do not think that you did something wrong. Be patient and keep on giving. Some cultures (e.g. those of Northern Europe) are not expressive with their emotions, except for lost tempers. This kind of expression from you may be embarrassing for your parents. But they still want and need to receive this expressed love, even if they do not know how to return it.
If your parents
are still alive, it’s not too late to do this. One man I know who is in his
late fifties wrote this kind of letter to his father. His mother replied, “I
have been married to your father for sixty years. When he read your letter,
that was the first time in our marriage I saw tears in his eyes.”
Some
years ago, my wife Bessie and I held a summer school of practical Christianity
at the Delta House of the University of Idaho. Respect for parents was one of
the subjects. About forty students
attended. Because the class was big, I did not get to know everyone well and
did not know the effect of the teaching.
The
following fall, at a noon Bible study at nearby Washington State University, I
was teaching the same subject again, and one of the students spoke up. “I heard
this at the Delta House last summer, and I took action,” he said. “When I was
sixteen, my father kicked me out of the house and told me he would never see me
again. Later, I became a Christian and married a Christian woman, and now I am
a graduate student in economics. I had never seen my father since he kicked me
out of the house. This summer, I wrote two letters, one to my father, and one to
my mother. I didn’t know it, but my parents were on the brink of divorce,
living in separate bedrooms at home in North Dakota.
“It
took me several days to write each letter, so I sent them a few days apart—but
for some reason, the letters arrived on the same day, and both my parents were
home when the mail came. Seeing that the letters were addressed separately, my
mother took her letter to her room, and my father took his letter to his room.
After reading them, they came out and traded letters, and went back to their
rooms to read the other letter. When they came out the second time, my father
had tears in his eyes. He told my mother, ‘I’m flying out to Pullman to see my
son.’”
He
had seen his father between the summer school and the fall Bible study. It
saved his parents’ marriage.
Another
student who had recently graduated told me of the awful relationship he had
with his father, and I made this suggestion of writing letters. Some months
later, when I was speaking to another group on this subject, he spoke up. “Jim
told me to do this several months ago, but I wasn’t going to. I hated my
father. In fact, one day I was going to write to tell him what I really thought
of him and what a lousy father he had been. I had the entire letter in my head.
But when I sat down to write, instead of that letter, I wrote the kind that Jim
told me. My father got the letter, and he came down from Spokane immediately to
see me. He’s dying now, and I read the Scripture to him by his bedside.” It
reestablished the relationship.
If
you already have a good relationship with your parents, go ahead and write
these letters anyway. It won’t hurt. One young man I know did this, and a few
weeks later, he told me he had gotten a letter back from his dad. I asked him
what it said. “My father said that he wrote a letter like this to his
father when he was my age, and, boy, was it good to get one from me!” That is
your thousand generations, when you do it right.
What
do you do with disappointment? Another student wrote two letters to her mom,
the first about the love and respect, and a second one later asking for advice.
The mother’s response to the first letter was, “Why are you being so soupy?”
and the second reply was in anger: “Why do you need this information?”
You
can expect questions like this the first time around—so send more than one
letter. Likewise, if you come from a family that never hugs, the first time you
hug your father, he’ll stand there like a fencepost. It will be awkward. Keep
doing it. Hug him when you get home, but also, when you’re at home, hug him
every time he walks by.[1]
This
might make him ask, “What’s your angle?” or “What is this going to cost me?”
Say,
“Dad, do you really want to know? If you buy me lunch, I’ll tell you.” Get
together with him. Rather than being disappointed at his response, consider
those questions an opportunity to do more.
Tell
him, “Dad, here is why I’m doing this. I know you love me very much, but I have
had to take it by faith. You have not been the best expresser of your love. So,
growing up I did not think you loved me. You fed me and clothed me and housed
me and sent me off to school. I know that is love, but there’s more to love
than that, and I have needed more. You wondered why I got in trouble in high
school and college. It’s because I needed more affection than you were giving
me. I was boy crazy because I was looking for the male affection I was missing
at home. I don’t think you would want me to get it somewhere else now. I still
need my father, and you need me, so I thought I’d come home and prime the
pump.”
Here
is a very important caveat: if you tell your parents that you are giving them
affection because you did not get enough growing up, be careful not to say it
in an accusative fashion. What makes the difference is your attitude,
your heart, and your manner of speech. Don’t say, “Dad, you never loved me.”
Say, “I know you love me. And I love you. But I didn’t always know that,
and now I want to cause more love.” Say it in a helpful way. Some people will
still take it accusatively, but if you keep giving affection, they will know
better.
You
do not need to become a constant hugger if that is not your nature, but you
should go to the limits of your normal means of expression, which is probably
far more than your parents have been getting, and they do need it. If you keep
on giving affection after the questions you get back, you will soften your
parents. In a matter of weeks, months, or years (the timeline varies with
different people), you will see a real turnaround. Be patient, and keep on
showing love.
There
are two problems to take care of in your relationship with your parents—the
heart problem and the action problem. The heart problem is first. Only a true
heart repentance will 1) stop the curse, 2) cause long life, and 3) turn the
three or four generations of bad news around to a thousand generations of good
news. Your own unlove, your disrespect, and your ungratefulness towards your
parents have to be taken care of in repentance toward God. To write these
letters without being forgiven by God only ensures that your letters will be
insincere and hypocritical. You may have a long wait if you wait for your
father to turn to you first. You cannot afford the wait, so get right with God
now. After you are clean, write the letters. Then continue writing, calling,
texting, and visiting your parents, expressing respect, love, and thankfulness.
Doing
these things will change you. You will become a better husband, son, and
father, or a better wife, daughter, and mother. Your love and obedience will
bring love for a thousand generations.
[1] How can a child show physical affection to a father who has abused him/her? Suppose you were molested by your father, and you are not up to hugging him because he does not respond like a father. In this case, I do not suggest that you hug him. Express your love some other way that is not physical. Do you not love him? Again, take care of that. Confess it and choose to love your father. Then find a different form of expression for his benefit and your benefit. A few decades ago, a young woman with this background attended our School of Practical Christianity. It was so clear that she needed a father. Her father was from another country, and he lived overseas. I suggested that she write to him and say, “Dad, I need a father. I need to be hugged; I need to hug you. Dad, will you be my father?” He wrote back a repentant, broken-down letter saying, “Yes, I’ll be your father.” She needed a father, and he needed to be one. Their reconciliation was based upon her giving him respect. I cannot guarantee that a reconciliation will happen in every instance; nevertheless, it is very important that you respect and love and be grateful to your parents, however they might respond.
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