Dear Friend: Having Trouble Forgiving Your Wife

Dear B,

Thank you for the time we have had together. I am going to run two things by you again. There is something wrong with our communication.

1. Before it is possible to forgive her from your heart (Matt. 18:35), you must yourself be forgiven for the sin of not forgiving. Your wife’s sin of disrespect is so big in your eyes that it dwarfs your sin of not loving and not forgiving her. Not forgiving is sin. It must be confessed from the heart as sin against God. If you say you forgive without being forgiven, it will be words only and not true forgiveness. That is like telling the truth after twenty years of lying, without having confessed the twenty years of lying. It doesn't work.

2. For the sake of keeping our communication open, I backed off from using the word pride. However, there are other evidences in your life that confirm to me that pride is a major problem in your life.

Pride and humility are opposites. Pride and humiliation are not opposites. Humiliation confirms the pride. You think that to humble yourself before God that will mean also humbling yourself before your wife and your daughter. To you, humbling yourself before them would be humiliating. You think that would increase their disrespect for you, and you cannot handle that.

In fact, it would increase their respect for you. The more a man demands respect, the less he gets it. It is not possible to humiliate a humble person. That only happens to prideful people. Your own father said this. “There are two types of men in this world, humble men and those who are about to be humiliated.” Those who are humble and those on their way to being humiliated.

The books are right in that men need respect like women need love. That is part of creation. However, there is a solution that is not dependant on other people respecting us. It is humbling ourselves.

The way down is up.

Here is the biblical truth:

How you have fallen from heaven, O morning star, son of the dawn! You have been cast down to the earth, you who once laid low the nations! You said in your heart, "I will ascend to heaven; I will raise my throne above the stars of God; I will sit enthroned on the mount of assembly, on the utmost heights of the sacred mountain. I will ascend above the tops of the clouds; I will make myself like the Most High." But you are brought down to the grave, to the depths of the pit. (Isa. 14:12-15)

Son of man, say to the ruler of Tyre, "This is what the Sovereign LORD says: 'In the pride of your heart you say, "I am a god; I sit on the throne of a god in the heart of the seas." But you are a man and not a god, though you think you are as wise as a god.'” (Ezek. 28:2)

Your heart became proud on account of your beauty, and you corrupted your wisdom because of your splendor. So I threw you to the earth; I made a spectacle of you before kings. (Ezek. 28:17)

These two kings of Babylon and Tyre each sought to be God. They were brought low by God. Truly, the way down is up.

I tell you that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before God. For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted. (Luke 18:14)

He must not be a recent convert, or he may become conceited and fall under the same judgment as the devil. (1 Tim. 3:6)

The way up is down.

The extreme example of humility is Jesus.

If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death—even death on a cross! Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father. (Phil. 2:1-11)

For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted. (Luke 14:11)

Truly, the way up is down.

We either follow the devil or we follow Jesus.

You have not sought to be God. However, in whatever you do, you seek to be the best in order to be respected. In the world system, that works. Consequently, you have been respected outside the home and have become the center of your own universe. It hasn’t worked with your wife and daughter. It does not work with God. The system is different with Him. Jesus said, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls” (Matt. 11:28-29). Jesus is gentle and humble. Do you want to be like Jesus?

We arrive at humility by humbling ourselves. It is not a natural state. If someone else humbles us, it is humiliating. You have not been willing to humble yourself before God because it means humbling yourself before people whom you think are wrong. You would rather be “right” than humble. You do not want to be like Jesus. He was highly exalted because He humbled himself. Satan exalts himself and was cast down.

This refusing to humble yourself keeps you unforgiven and without the fruit of the Spirit.

With love and respect,

Jim